Tag Archives: SAHM

The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Seven – Who Tossed My Cookies

7 Sep

I have to apologize for my lack of posting chapters. I know you all have been so very disappointed in me. Life has been crazy. Football season started again and I foolishly signed up to be a team mom. School started again last week, which these have been the best two weeks ever! It’s just me and Hiccup hanging out every day. We are having the time of our lives, let me tell you. I believe now that school has started, I SHOULD be able to write again every week. I can’t promise anything, but it does look promising.

Please remember the following: Not every single thing in this book is true. It is not an autobiography. There is some freedom with the truth. It is a fictional book, loosely based on reality. I apologize in advance for swear words. This is not for children to read. It is an adult book.


Who Tossed My Cookies

By D.M. Wright


The baby is screaming. I sigh. I thought today would be a quiet day. The boys are back in school, it is nap time, I just sat down with a good book. Now, the baby is screaming. I go to his room and open the door. The smell of vomit hits me like a wall. Sour, curdled milk smell is entrenched in my nostrils. The baby is covered in it and screaming.

I feel two things at the same time: sorrow that my baby is sick as well as immense grief and depression over the fact that I now have to clean up this mess. Vomit is the absolute worst.

——

Forty-five minutes later, the baby is dancing to one of his shows and clapping his chubby hands, laundry is in the washer and the mess is cleaned up.

“I’ll be right back, OK?” I leave the baby for a second to run the vomit trash and ruined pillow down to the street. Thankfully it is garbage day so this won’t have to be hanging around the house.

They already picked up our side so I run it across the street to the neighbor’s pile. Coming back, I see him picking up trash in the street. Ugh, he’s a friend of the earth as well.

“Shit..” I mutter. I look a fright. My hair is a mess and I know I don’t smell like roses. Thank you, baby.

“Hey there.” He smiles and heads toward me.

“Don’t you have a job?” I ask, grumpy and unhappy to see him.

“I can’t say it’s a pleasure to see you either right now,” he laughs. “What has happened already? It’s only 9 am.” He inhaled. “Oh. Someone must be sick?”

“Wow. You are amazingly astute.” I smile.

“I’m sorry. Is it the baby? The boys must be in school, right?” He throws an arm around me. “Let me make you breakfast.” He one-arm hugs me and guides me back to the building.

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that. Thank you, though. You are very sweet. I am just such a mess right now. I couldn’t.” I argue weakly.

“Hey, no discussion. I have today off. We are going upstairs, I am making you breakfast and you are showering. Cuz, damn…” he laughs.

I frown at him. “Meanie.”

——

“Feel better?” He asks as I come into the kitchen. He is frying sausages to go with the pancakes he has already made.

“Yes, much.” I smile. “Where’s my baby?”

“Oh, he fell asleep on my lap, so I tossed him in the crib,” he threw a dish towel over his shoulder nonchalantly.

My mouth fell open in surprise. “Fell asleep on your lap?” The kid never falls asleep on anyone’s lap.

“Yep,” he grins, knowing he is amazing. “He really is such a cutie. I just want to squeeze him.”

“I know, isn’t he? Thanks for doing that. I should leave him alone with you more often.” I grin up at him.

“OK, done. Sit here, now.” He pulls out a chair at the table and pushes me toward it.

“Yes, sir.” I inhale, “It smells amazing. I am really hungry actually.” My mouth is watering.

“Good,” he serves me up a plate. “I have been wondering when was the last time that anyone took care of you.” He mutters.

“Me?” I ask mid-chew and shook my head. “My mom comes over sometimes and lets me nap. She is really helpful.”

“And of course, the man probably does not do that I suppose?” He frowns and crosses his arms.

“Who?” I look up at him innocently.

His frown just increases. “It’s not funny. I have been hanging around with you and the boys for about a month now. Not once have I even gotten a glimpse of him. Did you murder him and he’s currently stuffed in your attic?”

“I couldn’t possibly get his ass up there! That is something for which I would probably call you for help.” I smirk.

“Why do you stay with him? What is the point?” I could tell he was getting exasperated again.

“What else am I supposed to do? I would need to find a full-time job that pays a gabillion dollars just so I can put the baby in daycare and have enough left over for the bills and groceries. Then there is the after school care the boys would need and who even makes a gabillion dollars these days?’

“There is always child support. Which would be helpful.” He grumbles. “And whatever you would get in the divorce. Neglect money, stuff like that. Why does he stay with you if he doesn’t want to be here? I just don’t get it. It really aggravates me.” He runs a hand through his wavy, dark hair. Sometimes I dream about doing that myself.

“I can tell! Why does it bother you so much?” I whisper. I get up and take my plate to the sink.

He looks at me intently, his jaw hard. “I have come to care about you and those three knuckleheads you have. I just wish you didn’t have to do all of this alone. It’s not fair. And my first instinct is to come in and take over but that is not my place.”

“You don’t even really know me.” Leaning against the sink, I swallow and duck my head, blushing at the thought of him taking over.

“I know enough. I know that you are a great mom who loves her kids and sacrifices everything for them. Like sleep, time to yourself and personal hygiene. I know that even in the midst of madness, one look at their naughty, cherub faces makes you melt and give in to their little dictator demands. You would give your life for those monsters and it humbles and amazes me. It makes me want to know more of you.” He finishes sadly.

“I don’t know what to say,” I shrug helplessly. “I’d like to know more of you, too. You are the nicest, sweetest, kindest man I have ever met.”

“So what do we do now?” He asks quietly, taking a step toward me.

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The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Six – Interrupting Cow

20 Jul

Interrupting Cow

By D.M. Wright


“Why aren’t you eating at your own house?” The middle one asks our guest, oh, so politely.

I look at the nice neighbor man apologetically.

“Your Mom invited me over as a thank you for un-clogging the toilet. Are you the one that clogged it? I found a toy in the pipe.” He raises an eyebrow at him. Well-played, Sir.

We all look at the kid for an answer. He just looks at his plate silently. Uh-huh! As I suspected. That little monster.

“Bah!” Food comes flying from the high chair to the middle of the table, which in turn creates giggles from everyone.

——

“That was delicious,” the neighbor man grins. “I could get used to this.” He pats his belly.

I smile back at him, “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

He helps clear the table and we start to wash the dishes.

“More wine?” I pick up the bottle, “We can’t leave an open bottle left un-drunk.” I pour the rest in our glasses. “I think it’s illegal.” I turn back to the sink. “So, what’s your story?”

“How do you mean?” he takes dishes from me and loads the dishwasher. This man keeps getting more gorgeous.

“From where do you hail, Sir Knight-in-Shining-Armor?” I grin.

He grins back and is quiet for a moment. I look at him inquisitively.

“Sorry. I rarely see you smile,” he says, “It’s nice. You have a nice smile. Love those dimples.” He smiles again when I blush.

“When do you see me do anything?” I try to recover from my embarrassment.

“Oh, I see you and the boys come and go. Generally you look tired. Aggravated. Harried. Frowny.”

I frown at him.

“Oh, don’t do that!” He laughs, “I completely see why you appear that way.”

“What way…a mess?” I snort. “My kids are a mess. My life is a mess. And I am a mess.”

“A hot mess,” he agrees with a wink.

“Gee thanks,” I gulp my wine. “Didn’t even know I was being observed, stalker man.” I accuse him.

“Not stalking. Just passing by. You hardly ever notice me. You are wrapped up in the boys,” he tells me. “And I get it. They are a handful. And I can see how they can drive a sane person crazy,” he laughs.

“Full of comfort and compliments, aren’t ya?” I smile at him.

“This is probably none of my business. Actually, it is completely none of my business, but where is your husband? I mean, do you even have one? I have yet to see him.”

“He works a lot,” I shrug. “We don’t see him much either.” I change the subject. “How about you? Do you have a significant other?”

“Once upon a time. We split up a few years ago. She was…not right…for me,” he shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” I glance at him, sorry to bring up painful times.

“What’s done is done. I am free now. It’s a relief.”

“That must be nice,” I whisper.

“Sorry?” He leaned in closer.

There’s that smell again. I inhale deeply. “I said you smell nice.” I smile nervously at him, realizing how close he is.

“Oh, thanks,” he swallows and clears his throat.

“Is that like, cologne or something?” I whisper.

“Or something,” he confirms softly. We stare into each others eyes. Blue. Deep, mesmerizing blue eyes.

“Mommy, I’m thirsty!”

We quickly break apart.

“So get some water,” I stare at the kid. I still haven’t forgiven him for the toilet incident. Plus, he always says I am mean. And he just ruined a moment! He doesn’t know what mean is.

I hand him a cup so he can get himself water from the pitcher in the fridge. “Tell your brother it’s time to get pj’s on, ok?”

“Yes, Mommy,” he finishes his water and heads for his room.

“He seems really sweet sometimes.” The neighbor man volunteers.

“He is a sweet kid. He is also loud-mouthed, opinionated and has unfortunate precision timing,” I sigh and shake my head. “I wish I could be more like him.”

He laughs loudly.  I startle and look at him. He is cracking up, totally getting a good chuckle out of that.

I giggle, “Sad, but true.”

—–

Kids are all asleep. Dishes are done. It’s that quiet, bewitching hour.

“So, it’s after nine. I guess I should go. I’ve a long trip home.” He smiles.

“You sure do!” I laugh.

“Seriously…where’s your husband? What’s your story?” He frowns.

“He works a lot. He leaves before I am up. He comes home after I go to bed. The kids haven’t seen him in days.” I shrug.

“Are you sure he’s even coming home?” He’s shocked.

“There are tell-tale signs: clothes in the hamper, wet tooth-brush, damn hairs in the sink from shaving…you know,” I frown, too. “Clearly I am just a live-in maid at this point.”

“I’m sorry,” he puts a hand on mine.

“Thanks,” I smile. “Somehow I manage.”

“Well, you know where to find me if you need anything.” He gets up for the door.

“And if you’re ever hungry for a home-cooked meal…come on up.”

“Thanks! You’re going to regret that offer, I can tell you that.” He grins and with a little wave, he is gone.

——

“Knock, knock, Mama.”

“No! No biting….no! OW, damn it!” I yank my finger out of his mouth. Little teeth marks now mar my finger on both sides.

“Knock, knock, Mama.”

“You are a brute!” I scowl at the baby, “Naughty baby!” I am trying to feed him pieces of a jelly sandwich.

“Knock, knock, Mama!” This middle one is incessant.

“Maybe no one is home! Did you ever stop to think about that. huh? Why do you keep knocking if no one is home??” I ask, exasperated. My finger is smarting.

“Mom! Just answer!”

I sigh.

“Knock, knock, Mama!”

“Who’s there, child?!”

“Interrupting cow.”

I look at him pointedly. “Interrupting c–“

“MOOOOO!” He shouts before I can finish my line. He collapses into giggles and hysteria.

The baby giggles, too, and says, “Moo!”

I can’t keep the grin off my face. “You guys are SO mean!” But I laugh.

The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Five – My Cups Runneth Over

10 Jul

MY CUPS RUNNETH OVER

By D.M. Wright

 

“Uh-ohhhhh!”

Two words I never like to hear. I wait and listen. Usually these words are preceded by a crash or a thump. Not this time. This time it is followed by the all too familiar sound of water hitting the floor endlessly from the toilet.

“Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit!” I whisper. I hate this mess. Anything but this mess. Panic rises within me. I can never figure out how to stop it.

I go into the bathroom. The guilty mice have already scattered. I start throwing towels on the floor. I open the tank and fiddle with the chain and the stopper. I pull on a little stick thingy and it results in spraying water all over me. I gasp and put it back where it was, sputtering. It might as well be the inner workings of the human brain.

No amount of fiddling makes it stop running. A call to the husband would result in further humiliation and degradation so that’s not going to happen. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. One of the boy’s little friends, I am sure. I hear the boys attending to it. Good. I am too busy sopping up water with the legs of my jeans and all the fiddling! How did I get water on my face?!  Oh my God! What am I going to do!? Plumber. No, wait. That will leave a money trail.

“You look like you need some help.” A deep voice says from the doorway.

It’s the downstairs nice neighbor man. “Oh my God, yes, please, help me!” I exclaim. “It’s the boys…they’re monsters. They clogged it somehow. Dear God, I haven’t even noticed if there is shit floating around!” I glance around, much too late for me if there was.

“No, it looks like it’s all water.” He rolls up his pant legs and sleeves and dives under the toilet. In a moment he has stopped the overflowing toilet.

I burst into tears. “How did you do that?” I blubber. “I have been fiddling with it forever!”

He points to something behind the toilet near the floor, “See this knob here?”

I bend over towards him to look. “Yes,” I sniff. Oh! What is he wearing? He smells heavenly. Like clean and…and man scent. I sniff again. No, sir. I would not kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Oh my God, I am my mother again. Who eats crackers in bed? For the love…

“And that is all there is to it.” He smiles gently.

Shit! I missed what he said. I will never be able to stop an overflowing toilet!

“Thank you so much.” I smile and wipe away the tears.

“Now let me see if I can get this thing un-clogged for you…” he reaches around me for the plunger.

I panic and turn and bump right into him. “Sorry, let me get out-of-the-way,” I blush and splash over to the other side of the bathroom.

He plunges and plunges but that water is not going down. He gets down on his knees and reaches around to the back of the toilet again. Oh my! He does not have a plumber’s butt or crack. Why is my heart rate elevating?

I turn and grab into the linen closet for more towels. Why don’t we have a wet vac? You would think since this is the umpteenth time the toilet has been clogged, we would purchase one. I think I shall remedy that this afternoon.

“I am going to run down and get some tools,” he grabs a dry towel from my arms and lays it on the floor to wipe his feet. He looks back at me and winks and leaves my house.

Boy is my face red. I shake my head and lay down the rest of the towels to soak up the mess.

“Mommy?” I hear a little whisper.

My head whips around so fast it almost makes the cracking sound effect, complete with the evil eyed look. He disappears and I hear running footsteps fading down the hall. I glance in the mirror and notice that my shirt is completely soaked. Quickly I lift it up over my head to change before Mr. Non-Plumber Butt comes back. My hair gets stuck in the zipper on the back of the shirt. I don’t remember there being a zipper on the back of my shirt! My arms get stuck in the shirt. Panicking again, I try to move out of the bathroom and into my adjoining bedroom; bumping into walls and counters; slipping in the water on the floor. I crack my big toe on the little wooden magazine rack.

“OWWW!” I cry out, but it is muffled since I am still stuck inside the shirt, flailing around and now hopping on one foot.

“I am going to start charging you for my time to get you out of sticky situations.” He says, trying to stifle a laugh.

I. Am. Mortified. I quickly think back to getting dressed this morning. What bra do I have on? Do I have one on?! Oh, dear God, please let me be wearing a bra!!

“Hold still. I will get you out of there.” I feel his hands and fingers reaching the back of my neck and into my hair to untangle it from the zipper. Oh my. Hot breath on my shoulder. Oh no. Goose bumps. Gulp.

Suddenly I am free and my shirt is off. “There you go,” He says.

“Thanks,” I whisper and stare at him, holding my shirt over myself.

“I will let you change,” he smiles. “I’ve got a toilet to un-clog!”

He goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door.

“Yikes,” I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

——

“Aha! Here is the culprit!” He grins and holds up a Bakugan. “It must have opened up in the pipe and got stuck.”

“I told you they were monsters,” I look at him helplessly. “At times they are out of control.” I stare at my hands. “I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for helping me.”

“Hey, what are neighbors for?” He smiles. He looks so handsome, even with his jeans rolled up to his knees and covered in wet spots.

“Why did you come upstairs in the first place?” I smile back. “Did you need something?”

He grins, “I could hear you through the thin walls and ceiling, screaming and sputtering. And I could hear the water overflowing. I didn’t want it to start coming through the ceiling so I decided to come help.”

“Oh gosh! I didn’t even think about it coming through down to you! That would have been terrible!” I cover my face with my hands. “I am glad you were home to help. I don’t know what I would have done!”

“Well, it’s almost quitting time. What time does your husband get home?” He asks. “He would have saved you, I’m sure.”

I pale. “Sure, he would.” I smile and swallow. “But he gets home late.” I tuck hair behind my ear. “I wish I could repay you somehow.” I led him out of the bathroom. “Hey, have you eaten? I have made plenty of food for dinner. Eat with us?” I suggest hopefully. Suddenly, I don’t want this man to leave.

“You know, that sounds great,” he looks down at himself. “Let me go clean up and I will be back in, say, an hour?”

“Perfect!” I grin.

“Until then,” he grins back and takes his tools to the door. “Try to stay out of trouble until I return.” A wink and then he is gone.

I stand staring at the door. What did I just do?