Tag Archives: Humor

The Class of 1993 – Chapter Two

15 Jan

CHAPTER TWO

By D.M. Wright

As I came out of the lady’s room from powdering my nose, I bumped into “THEM”. “THEM” is the quadrant consisting of Alicia Medina, Tammy Talbot, Samantha Jones and Felicia Laurens.

“Hey!” I exclaimed.

“Hey, Belle! How are you?!” They all screeched in unison.

I winced. “So, what’s going on? Tell me what has happened to you all in the last ten years,” I grinned.

“Come with us to the washroom. We’ll give you the gory details there.” Alicia smiled her own little smile that no one could copy.

“All right,” I waved to Charles to let him know I’d be another minute. He nodded with a raising of his eyebrows. I blew him a kiss and joined THEM in the bathroom.

“OK, we’ll give you a quick run down. Jeez, this is, like, the eightieth time I’ve said this tonight.” Alicia said and started fiddling with her hair. “I married Ryan about four years after high school and we’re still hanging on, but we have no kids, thank God.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m a radiologist and I work for this huge place; you’ve probably never heard of it. Ryan owns a pool company.” She smiled, “We have the best one, of course.”

Tammy then took the floor. “I am married to this gorgeous lawyer who is currently in New York heading up a big mob case or something. I don’t know the details, of course. But that is why he’s not here. His name is Mark Frederickson.” She grinned, “So that’s my new last name.”

“Well, I am not married and I just got my graduate’s degree!” Felicia yelled and then they all did this thing with their fingers and squealed. I vaguely remember them doing the same thing in high school when they got excited. “I also have a boyfriend, but I don’t want to make any commitments yet. I want to become filthy rich first, and then, maybe.” She laughed.

I looked to Sam who took that as her cue to tell her story. “OK, well my new last name is Conners and I am married to a professional basketball player, as you all know. Thank you, thank you.” She bowed.

I smiled. Yes, I had seen Matt on TV as they won their way to fame and victory. I’ve even seen Matt in a couple of commercials for Fruit of the Loom or something.

“I’m a stay-at-home mom. I have four kids and I am working my way to ten.” She giggled, “Their names are Joey, Karen, Michelle and Robin – six, four, two and almost a year.” Whoa.

“I’ve been busy,” She nodded.

“I have one son. His name is Richard and he’s almost five.” Tammy informed us.

“That’s great, you guys! I’m glad you’re all doing well. I should go now – see you!” I waved and they called out good-bye. I walked out the door. They haven’t changed much at all. I shook my head and walked over to good ol Charles.

“It’s about time. I was beginning to wonder if you had fallen in.” Charles grinned and led me to our table.

“You know how it is. Once a woman gets started talking to other women…” I shook my head.

“All right, I’ll grant you that.” We both sat down at the table.

Another couple walked up to us just then.

“Hi!” I exclaimed. It was Jenny and her husband Josh. I stood up and hugged them. “Oh, Jeez, it’s been sooo long.” I grinned. We actually keep in touch and just saw them last week.

Jenny laughed, “Hi, guys.” She smiled, “How are you, Charles?”

“Good, thank you. Hello, Josh.” They shook hands.

“Hey, Chuck.”

Charles winced. Josh always called him that at the most inappropriate times. Charles hates it. And Josh does it just to rub him the wrong way. Jenny nudged Josh a little bit and he looked contrite.

“So, are you guys enjoying this evening? Have you seen everyone?” I asked.

“Only some. And not Karen. Is she here?” Jenny looked around and I shrugged.

“I haven’t seen her.”

“Hmmmm,” she fingered her chin. “Oh, my goodness, have you seen Tiffany? She’s huge!” She gasped.

“I know! Isn’t that hilarious?” I laughed.

“Is anyone else expecting?” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down.

“Not that I know of, ” I shook my head.

“Oh.” She looked disappointed. She keeps hoping that I will be someday soon. This is so our kids can grow up together. She’s at the end of her first trimester herself, but it doesn’t show yet. Josh is the happiest man alive right now. He can’t wait to be a daddy. I glanced over at him and Charles talking about the structure of the building. Josh is a carpenter so he has some of the same interests as Charles.

I looked around, too, and admired the chandeliers. The room was very elegant, just as the people were who were dancing under the high ceiling. There were a few fans going to circulate the air in the room as well.

I looked back to Charles, who, I knew would be discussing the sturdiness of the foundation. I grinned and saw Josh nod in complete understanding.

Jenny does have good taste in men. I am glad she didn’t accept Howard’s proposal because Josh is perfect for her. He is tall with blonde hair, a muscular build and he’s one or two years younger than Jenny. I forget which. They don’t mind it, though.

Just then, who should come zooming up to us but Karen, and was she ever big! Almost as big as Tiffany! Almost…

“Greetings and salutory hallucinations!” She smiled and wrinkled her nose like one of her pet rabbits.

“Hello, Karen,” Jenny said, smiling.

“Hey, Carrots.” I grinned.

She rolled her eyes and exclaimed, “You haven’t changed a bit! You’re still immature and below me.” She gave me a snotty look.

“And you’re just as kind and polite as you always were.” I smiled sweetly.

She grinned back showing that there were no hard feelings. We could get in some pretty nasty verbal scuffles, but we always forgave each other. It was (and still is, apparently) our thing.

“So, when’s Goliath due?” I asked, staring at her large, protruding stomach.

“Very funny. It’s due next month.” She smiled.

“Where’s the rest of your clan?” Jenny asked, looking for Karen’s husband, Adrian and her other numerous amounts of children.

“Adrian is parking the car and the other twerps are at home with granny.”

Jenny and I exchanged looks, thinking the same thing.

We always did that in school. Think each other’s thoughts and finish each other’s sentences. We’ve known each other since second grade and have been good friends ever since. We were separated from Fourth to Ninth grades; however, but were then reunited.

I looked at Karen, “How is old granny anyway? I haven’t seen her in the longest time.”

“She’s good. Good and fine.”

“How about Muffy and Pepper and Reginold?” Jenny asked, hiding a smile. Well, you couldn’t help but smile when you realized that she named her kids after old pets. She didn’t really, but it kind of sounds like it. It’s our joke anyways.

“Oh, they’re still going. Running about and making our lives miserable as always.” She said with a sigh.

“Karen, they’re your children! How can you say that?” I gasped, incredulously.

“I’m only kidding. You know that. Hello, have you met me?” She said, rolling her eyes again. “You always did take me too seriously.”

“I remember some times you weren’t kidding. It is hard to tell when you are and when you aren’t.” I reminded her.

She just shook her head and then looked up, “Oh, there’s Adrian. Over here, muffin head!” She waved.

I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing, as did Jenny. “Muffin head” came over, nodded at us and walked straight to Charles and Josh to chat.

“Oh, my goodness!” Jenny gasped, out of breath. “Karen, I can’t believe you just did that. How embarrassing!” But she collapsed with laughter again.

“What?” She exclaimed.

I couldn’t even breathe, let alone answer her. I fell into a chair and put my head onto my arms, still laughing uncontrollably.

“You two are weird.” She walked away and joined Mary and Chris.

“Right. We’re weird.” I managed to get out.

“Yeah, and she’s perfectly normal.” Jenny held her stomach and groaned. “I can’t stop laughing!”

But finally we settled down and just sat at the table, sighing.

“Oh, look! There’s Victoria! Oh, she is so beautiful!” Jenny pointed out.

I looked and saw her with Danielle.

“There’s Dannie, too!” I smiled, “Notice how no one ever calls her that? In high school, too. At first they called her Dannie, but when you got to know her, it seemed easier to call her Danielle.” I remembered. I hardly ever called her Dannie.

“They look so elegant, don’t they? I think they both married doctors or something. Victoria opened up her own beauty shop, didn’t she?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I worked for her for a while.” That was the absolute best. The shop was called Victoria’s. I quit when my books started to sell and I had to do some tours. Victoria went to beauty school during Junior and Senior years of high school. She always did our nails and hair if we asked.

I went to beauty school after high school and had various jobs at salons here and there until I found Victoria’s. Then she took me in and I became one of the head hair stylists. It was a fun and exciting time for me.

She still has the shop, but now, of course, she has a chain of them!

“Let’s mingle, shall we, Jenny?” I asked her.

“Why, yes, let’s! What an excellent and behooving idea! We wouldn’t want anyone to think we are still stuck up.”

We laughed. Jenny and I hang out together so much that we enjoy each other’s company without having others around. I guess in high school it gave off the impression of being conceited and too good for anyone else, but we didn’t see ourselves that way. We thought we were nice!

We worked our way around the room, saying hello to people we knew here and there. There were so many people we didn’t know; however, and this was supposed to be the senior class and their companions. Jeez, Louise, who were all these people?

“Why, hello, dear, and how are you?” I heard Jenny ask. Then we kept moving through the crowd until we bumped into a group of Romanians. They consisted of Sarah Boch, Olivia White and their husbands.

“Hi, you guys! This is Pierce and you know Sarah, of course! That is her husband, Dan.” Olivia squealed. “Hellos” went all around and then all of a sudden, Sarah peeled off into a string of Romanian sentences held together by a few English words. I don’t know what she said, but it made the men, and Olivia, laugh and sneak glances at me. I looked at Jenny, who shrugged and smiled politely at them all, but I knew she was secretly trying to convey how rude it was to speak in another language while you are talking with others. And to speak about them, no less! I was not as kind. I demanded to know what they were laughing about.

“Oh! Ha-ha-ha!” Laughed Sarah, “We were remembering back in high school when you liked my brother, Nick.” She covered her mouth and giggled.

“I did not!” I denied vehemently.

“Yes!” She nodded.

I shook my head and turned to Olivia. “Your brother, Jeff, started all that. I never said I liked him and you know it, Sarah!” I turned back to her.

She shook her head and spouted off in Romanian again. They all laughed again and so I shrugged.

“Fine. Have it your way. I just want you to know that I am happily married now and your little heart breaker brother can eat my dust.” I smiled and walked away.

Jenny and I continued on our way and were just about to go back to our table when someone got on stage and started speaking.

“We’re real glad you all were able to come tonight! It’s been a long ten years and some of us haven’t changed a bit!” He laughed and also received a few other chuckles.

“Who is he?” I whispered to Jenny.

She shrugged and shook her head.

“Now, I’d like to welcome to the stage a member of the class of ’93. He is going to play a little song for us and he brought along his band. Please welcome, Tony Duncan and Firestarter!” Everyone applauded as they came on stage. Firestarter is a very popular heavy metal band and Tony is the lead singer and guitar player. Tony’s wife, Julie, is the drummer. They got married young and started off slow, but their hard work soon paid off. They are now one of the leading heavy metal bands in the country. I heard that soon they are going on a European world tour. That sounds exciting. I just hoped that tonight they play one of their slower numbers.

“Thank you, thank you. It’s good to be here tonight and see all of those old familiar faces!” Then they went straight into their number one hit, coincidentally called, “Familiar Faces”. It wasn’t very heavy, but it was appropriate for the atmosphere.

People came out onto the dance floor; others stayed in their seats and tapped their feet. Jenny and I were still standing where we were so we once again tried to make it to our table. There was no way around the flailing bodies. Who were all these people?! We only had 28 people in our graduating class!!

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The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Six – Interrupting Cow

20 Jul

Interrupting Cow

By D.M. Wright


“Why aren’t you eating at your own house?” The middle one asks our guest, oh, so politely.

I look at the nice neighbor man apologetically.

“Your Mom invited me over as a thank you for un-clogging the toilet. Are you the one that clogged it? I found a toy in the pipe.” He raises an eyebrow at him. Well-played, Sir.

We all look at the kid for an answer. He just looks at his plate silently. Uh-huh! As I suspected. That little monster.

“Bah!” Food comes flying from the high chair to the middle of the table, which in turn creates giggles from everyone.

——

“That was delicious,” the neighbor man grins. “I could get used to this.” He pats his belly.

I smile back at him, “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

He helps clear the table and we start to wash the dishes.

“More wine?” I pick up the bottle, “We can’t leave an open bottle left un-drunk.” I pour the rest in our glasses. “I think it’s illegal.” I turn back to the sink. “So, what’s your story?”

“How do you mean?” he takes dishes from me and loads the dishwasher. This man keeps getting more gorgeous.

“From where do you hail, Sir Knight-in-Shining-Armor?” I grin.

He grins back and is quiet for a moment. I look at him inquisitively.

“Sorry. I rarely see you smile,” he says, “It’s nice. You have a nice smile. Love those dimples.” He smiles again when I blush.

“When do you see me do anything?” I try to recover from my embarrassment.

“Oh, I see you and the boys come and go. Generally you look tired. Aggravated. Harried. Frowny.”

I frown at him.

“Oh, don’t do that!” He laughs, “I completely see why you appear that way.”

“What way…a mess?” I snort. “My kids are a mess. My life is a mess. And I am a mess.”

“A hot mess,” he agrees with a wink.

“Gee thanks,” I gulp my wine. “Didn’t even know I was being observed, stalker man.” I accuse him.

“Not stalking. Just passing by. You hardly ever notice me. You are wrapped up in the boys,” he tells me. “And I get it. They are a handful. And I can see how they can drive a sane person crazy,” he laughs.

“Full of comfort and compliments, aren’t ya?” I smile at him.

“This is probably none of my business. Actually, it is completely none of my business, but where is your husband? I mean, do you even have one? I have yet to see him.”

“He works a lot,” I shrug. “We don’t see him much either.” I change the subject. “How about you? Do you have a significant other?”

“Once upon a time. We split up a few years ago. She was…not right…for me,” he shakes his head.

“I’m sorry,” I glance at him, sorry to bring up painful times.

“What’s done is done. I am free now. It’s a relief.”

“That must be nice,” I whisper.

“Sorry?” He leaned in closer.

There’s that smell again. I inhale deeply. “I said you smell nice.” I smile nervously at him, realizing how close he is.

“Oh, thanks,” he swallows and clears his throat.

“Is that like, cologne or something?” I whisper.

“Or something,” he confirms softly. We stare into each others eyes. Blue. Deep, mesmerizing blue eyes.

“Mommy, I’m thirsty!”

We quickly break apart.

“So get some water,” I stare at the kid. I still haven’t forgiven him for the toilet incident. Plus, he always says I am mean. And he just ruined a moment! He doesn’t know what mean is.

I hand him a cup so he can get himself water from the pitcher in the fridge. “Tell your brother it’s time to get pj’s on, ok?”

“Yes, Mommy,” he finishes his water and heads for his room.

“He seems really sweet sometimes.” The neighbor man volunteers.

“He is a sweet kid. He is also loud-mouthed, opinionated and has unfortunate precision timing,” I sigh and shake my head. “I wish I could be more like him.”

He laughs loudly.  I startle and look at him. He is cracking up, totally getting a good chuckle out of that.

I giggle, “Sad, but true.”

—–

Kids are all asleep. Dishes are done. It’s that quiet, bewitching hour.

“So, it’s after nine. I guess I should go. I’ve a long trip home.” He smiles.

“You sure do!” I laugh.

“Seriously…where’s your husband? What’s your story?” He frowns.

“He works a lot. He leaves before I am up. He comes home after I go to bed. The kids haven’t seen him in days.” I shrug.

“Are you sure he’s even coming home?” He’s shocked.

“There are tell-tale signs: clothes in the hamper, wet tooth-brush, damn hairs in the sink from shaving…you know,” I frown, too. “Clearly I am just a live-in maid at this point.”

“I’m sorry,” he puts a hand on mine.

“Thanks,” I smile. “Somehow I manage.”

“Well, you know where to find me if you need anything.” He gets up for the door.

“And if you’re ever hungry for a home-cooked meal…come on up.”

“Thanks! You’re going to regret that offer, I can tell you that.” He grins and with a little wave, he is gone.

——

“Knock, knock, Mama.”

“No! No biting….no! OW, damn it!” I yank my finger out of his mouth. Little teeth marks now mar my finger on both sides.

“Knock, knock, Mama.”

“You are a brute!” I scowl at the baby, “Naughty baby!” I am trying to feed him pieces of a jelly sandwich.

“Knock, knock, Mama!” This middle one is incessant.

“Maybe no one is home! Did you ever stop to think about that. huh? Why do you keep knocking if no one is home??” I ask, exasperated. My finger is smarting.

“Mom! Just answer!”

I sigh.

“Knock, knock, Mama!”

“Who’s there, child?!”

“Interrupting cow.”

I look at him pointedly. “Interrupting c–“

“MOOOOO!” He shouts before I can finish my line. He collapses into giggles and hysteria.

The baby giggles, too, and says, “Moo!”

I can’t keep the grin off my face. “You guys are SO mean!” But I laugh.

The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Five – My Cups Runneth Over

10 Jul

MY CUPS RUNNETH OVER

By D.M. Wright

 

“Uh-ohhhhh!”

Two words I never like to hear. I wait and listen. Usually these words are preceded by a crash or a thump. Not this time. This time it is followed by the all too familiar sound of water hitting the floor endlessly from the toilet.

“Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit!” I whisper. I hate this mess. Anything but this mess. Panic rises within me. I can never figure out how to stop it.

I go into the bathroom. The guilty mice have already scattered. I start throwing towels on the floor. I open the tank and fiddle with the chain and the stopper. I pull on a little stick thingy and it results in spraying water all over me. I gasp and put it back where it was, sputtering. It might as well be the inner workings of the human brain.

No amount of fiddling makes it stop running. A call to the husband would result in further humiliation and degradation so that’s not going to happen. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. One of the boy’s little friends, I am sure. I hear the boys attending to it. Good. I am too busy sopping up water with the legs of my jeans and all the fiddling! How did I get water on my face?!  Oh my God! What am I going to do!? Plumber. No, wait. That will leave a money trail.

“You look like you need some help.” A deep voice says from the doorway.

It’s the downstairs nice neighbor man. “Oh my God, yes, please, help me!” I exclaim. “It’s the boys…they’re monsters. They clogged it somehow. Dear God, I haven’t even noticed if there is shit floating around!” I glance around, much too late for me if there was.

“No, it looks like it’s all water.” He rolls up his pant legs and sleeves and dives under the toilet. In a moment he has stopped the overflowing toilet.

I burst into tears. “How did you do that?” I blubber. “I have been fiddling with it forever!”

He points to something behind the toilet near the floor, “See this knob here?”

I bend over towards him to look. “Yes,” I sniff. Oh! What is he wearing? He smells heavenly. Like clean and…and man scent. I sniff again. No, sir. I would not kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Oh my God, I am my mother again. Who eats crackers in bed? For the love…

“And that is all there is to it.” He smiles gently.

Shit! I missed what he said. I will never be able to stop an overflowing toilet!

“Thank you so much.” I smile and wipe away the tears.

“Now let me see if I can get this thing un-clogged for you…” he reaches around me for the plunger.

I panic and turn and bump right into him. “Sorry, let me get out-of-the-way,” I blush and splash over to the other side of the bathroom.

He plunges and plunges but that water is not going down. He gets down on his knees and reaches around to the back of the toilet again. Oh my! He does not have a plumber’s butt or crack. Why is my heart rate elevating?

I turn and grab into the linen closet for more towels. Why don’t we have a wet vac? You would think since this is the umpteenth time the toilet has been clogged, we would purchase one. I think I shall remedy that this afternoon.

“I am going to run down and get some tools,” he grabs a dry towel from my arms and lays it on the floor to wipe his feet. He looks back at me and winks and leaves my house.

Boy is my face red. I shake my head and lay down the rest of the towels to soak up the mess.

“Mommy?” I hear a little whisper.

My head whips around so fast it almost makes the cracking sound effect, complete with the evil eyed look. He disappears and I hear running footsteps fading down the hall. I glance in the mirror and notice that my shirt is completely soaked. Quickly I lift it up over my head to change before Mr. Non-Plumber Butt comes back. My hair gets stuck in the zipper on the back of the shirt. I don’t remember there being a zipper on the back of my shirt! My arms get stuck in the shirt. Panicking again, I try to move out of the bathroom and into my adjoining bedroom; bumping into walls and counters; slipping in the water on the floor. I crack my big toe on the little wooden magazine rack.

“OWWW!” I cry out, but it is muffled since I am still stuck inside the shirt, flailing around and now hopping on one foot.

“I am going to start charging you for my time to get you out of sticky situations.” He says, trying to stifle a laugh.

I. Am. Mortified. I quickly think back to getting dressed this morning. What bra do I have on? Do I have one on?! Oh, dear God, please let me be wearing a bra!!

“Hold still. I will get you out of there.” I feel his hands and fingers reaching the back of my neck and into my hair to untangle it from the zipper. Oh my. Hot breath on my shoulder. Oh no. Goose bumps. Gulp.

Suddenly I am free and my shirt is off. “There you go,” He says.

“Thanks,” I whisper and stare at him, holding my shirt over myself.

“I will let you change,” he smiles. “I’ve got a toilet to un-clog!”

He goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door.

“Yikes,” I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

——

“Aha! Here is the culprit!” He grins and holds up a Bakugan. “It must have opened up in the pipe and got stuck.”

“I told you they were monsters,” I look at him helplessly. “At times they are out of control.” I stare at my hands. “I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for helping me.”

“Hey, what are neighbors for?” He smiles. He looks so handsome, even with his jeans rolled up to his knees and covered in wet spots.

“Why did you come upstairs in the first place?” I smile back. “Did you need something?”

He grins, “I could hear you through the thin walls and ceiling, screaming and sputtering. And I could hear the water overflowing. I didn’t want it to start coming through the ceiling so I decided to come help.”

“Oh gosh! I didn’t even think about it coming through down to you! That would have been terrible!” I cover my face with my hands. “I am glad you were home to help. I don’t know what I would have done!”

“Well, it’s almost quitting time. What time does your husband get home?” He asks. “He would have saved you, I’m sure.”

I pale. “Sure, he would.” I smile and swallow. “But he gets home late.” I tuck hair behind my ear. “I wish I could repay you somehow.” I led him out of the bathroom. “Hey, have you eaten? I have made plenty of food for dinner. Eat with us?” I suggest hopefully. Suddenly, I don’t want this man to leave.

“You know, that sounds great,” he looks down at himself. “Let me go clean up and I will be back in, say, an hour?”

“Perfect!” I grin.

“Until then,” he grins back and takes his tools to the door. “Try to stay out of trouble until I return.” A wink and then he is gone.

I stand staring at the door. What did I just do?