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Just Like a Pill

16 Feb

Usually I write my blog posts, but today I thought I would give you a visually stunning representation of my morning. I am supposed to have the day off from work, but as you know if you have children, there is no such thing. Forgive my inept drawings. I am a writer, not an illustrator. The curly haired one is Little A. Enjoy!

A Little Birdy Told Me…

26 Apr

I have a new frenemy. It’s a male Robin. He started pecking at our livingroom window last Thursday and hasn’t stopped since.

He gets up awfully early, as birds often do, and starts peck peck pecking away. It is pretty loud – like knocking. And very annoying. It woke the boys up over the weekend way too early. They are on the same wall as the livingroom window so the bird might as well have been knocking on their bedroom window.

I asked my Facebook friends for their advice and this is what I was given:

I’ve tried putting a stuffed animal cat in the window. My mom has chased it with a broom. My husband bought a scary owl that is sitting on the little table we have out there. After a quiet morning, he was back at it because he recognized that the owl is fake. But not that his own reflection is not another bird? Idiot. Our next step is to put something on the window to cut down on the glare so he can’t see his own reflection. He’s been quiet this afternoon but I had moved the owl this morning so maybe he thinks it is real for awhile. Or he is out gallavanting around.

Meanwhile, the little chairs and table have bird crap on them. SO NOT NICE, ROBIN. I saw what you did out there. I felt bad for thinking that I wished you would just fly into the window and knock yourself out. But after I saw that mess you made, I don’t feel bad anymore. You are lucky that I won’t let anyone kill you with a pellet gun. So very lucky.

If you put a pancake in a toaster…

21 Jun

If you put a pancake in a toaster, it will most likely get stuck.

And if your pancake gets stuck, you will have to wait for your husband to fork it out for you.

While you wait for your husband to fork it out for you, you make your children breakfast.

You put another pancake in the microwave since the toaster idea didn’t work out.

One kid wants “Opeemeal” and toast so you have to compromise and talk him into having bread.

So you make the kids their breakfast and then you take a shower. While you are in the shower, you hear some bangs and cries.

When you get out of the shower, you discover your kitchen is a mess.

Because when you give a kid a pancake, we all know that he is going to want syrup on it. And if you give him syrup, he’s going to spill it all over the floor and the table and the chairs.

Then he’s going to try to clean it up. You give him points for trying, but he only makes it worse.

After all the mess is cleaned up, you try to work in the office. The kids are screaming at each other and fighting. They invite a friend over.

The little one hits the friend for attention. The friend tattles on him. A lot.

You barely get any work done and it is already lunchtime! You send the friend home because after lunchtime is nap time.

You make the kids bagel bites and the big kid tricks the little one so he can eat his. You think it will be OK to give the kids watermelon.

You obviously forgot the mess with the syrup.

You finish cleaning the mess and send the kids to nap. You get some work done. Before you know it, nap time is over and they are asking for a snack.

You let them share a half a piece of chocolate cake and you leave the room. Did you not learn your lesson from the watermelon?

You clean some more and get some more work done. You fix mistakes you have discovered you made that were probably made the last time the kids were home from school together.

Your husband comes home from work and sees the note on the fridge about the stuck pancake.

If your husband reads the note, he will most likely fork the pancake out of the toaster for you.

And if he forks the pancake out of the toaster for you, he’s going to want to eat it.

And chances are, if he wants to eat the pancake, he’s going to want some syrup to go with it.