The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Seven – Who Tossed My Cookies

7 Sep

I have to apologize for my lack of posting chapters. I know you all have been so very disappointed in me. Life has been crazy. Football season started again and I foolishly signed up to be a team mom. School started again last week, which these have been the best two weeks ever! It’s just me and Hiccup hanging out every day. We are having the time of our lives, let me tell you. I believe now that school has started, I SHOULD be able to write again every week. I can’t promise anything, but it does look promising.

Please remember the following: Not every single thing in this book is true. It is not an autobiography. There is some freedom with the truth. It is a fictional book, loosely based on reality. I apologize in advance for swear words. This is not for children to read. It is an adult book.

Who Tossed My Cookies

By D.M. Wright

The baby is screaming. I sigh. I thought today would be a quiet day. The boys are back in school, it is nap time, I just sat down with a good book. Now, the baby is screaming. I go to his room and open the door. The smell of vomit hits me like a wall. Sour, curdled milk smell is entrenched in my nostrils. The baby is covered in it and screaming.

I feel two things at the same time: sorrow that my baby is sick as well as immense grief and depression over the fact that I now have to clean up this mess. Vomit is the absolute worst.


Forty-five minutes later, the baby is dancing to one of his shows and clapping his chubby hands, laundry is in the washer and the mess is cleaned up.

“I’ll be right back, OK?” I leave the baby for a second to run the vomit trash and ruined pillow down to the street. Thankfully it is garbage day so this won’t have to be hanging around the house.

They already picked up our side so I run it across the street to the neighbor’s pile. Coming back, I see him picking up trash in the street. Ugh, he’s a friend of the earth as well.

“Shit..” I mutter. I look a fright. My hair is a mess and I know I don’t smell like roses. Thank you, baby.

“Hey there.” He smiles and heads toward me.

“Don’t you have a job?” I ask, grumpy and unhappy to see him.

“I can’t say it’s a pleasure to see you either right now,” he laughs. “What has happened already? It’s only 9 am.” He inhaled. “Oh. Someone must be sick?”

“Wow. You are amazingly astute.” I smile.

“I’m sorry. Is it the baby? The boys must be in school, right?” He throws an arm around me. “Let me make you breakfast.” He one-arm hugs me and guides me back to the building.

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that. Thank you, though. You are very sweet. I am just such a mess right now. I couldn’t.” I argue weakly.

“Hey, no discussion. I have today off. We are going upstairs, I am making you breakfast and you are showering. Cuz, damn…” he laughs.

I frown at him. “Meanie.”


“Feel better?” He asks as I come into the kitchen. He is frying sausages to go with the pancakes he has already made.

“Yes, much.” I smile. “Where’s my baby?”

“Oh, he fell asleep on my lap, so I tossed him in the crib,” he threw a dish towel over his shoulder nonchalantly.

My mouth fell open in surprise. “Fell asleep on your lap?” The kid never falls asleep on anyone’s lap.

“Yep,” he grins, knowing he is amazing. “He really is such a cutie. I just want to squeeze him.”

“I know, isn’t he? Thanks for doing that. I should leave him alone with you more often.” I grin up at him.

“OK, done. Sit here, now.” He pulls out a chair at the table and pushes me toward it.

“Yes, sir.” I inhale, “It smells amazing. I am really hungry actually.” My mouth is watering.

“Good,” he serves me up a plate. “I have been wondering when was the last time that anyone took care of you.” He mutters.

“Me?” I ask mid-chew and shook my head. “My mom comes over sometimes and lets me nap. She is really helpful.”

“And of course, the man probably does not do that I suppose?” He frowns and crosses his arms.

“Who?” I look up at him innocently.

His frown just increases. “It’s not funny. I have been hanging around with you and the boys for about a month now. Not once have I even gotten a glimpse of him. Did you murder him and he’s currently stuffed in your attic?”

“I couldn’t possibly get his ass up there! That is something for which I would probably call you for help.” I smirk.

“Why do you stay with him? What is the point?” I could tell he was getting exasperated again.

“What else am I supposed to do? I would need to find a full-time job that pays a gabillion dollars just so I can put the baby in daycare and have enough left over for the bills and groceries. Then there is the after school care the boys would need and who even makes a gabillion dollars these days?’

“There is always child support. Which would be helpful.” He grumbles. “And whatever you would get in the divorce. Neglect money, stuff like that. Why does he stay with you if he doesn’t want to be here? I just don’t get it. It really aggravates me.” He runs a hand through his wavy, dark hair. Sometimes I dream about doing that myself.

“I can tell! Why does it bother you so much?” I whisper. I get up and take my plate to the sink.

He looks at me intently, his jaw hard. “I have come to care about you and those three knuckleheads you have. I just wish you didn’t have to do all of this alone. It’s not fair. And my first instinct is to come in and take over but that is not my place.”

“You don’t even really know me.” Leaning against the sink, I swallow and duck my head, blushing at the thought of him taking over.

“I know enough. I know that you are a great mom who loves her kids and sacrifices everything for them. Like sleep, time to yourself and personal hygiene. I know that even in the midst of madness, one look at their naughty, cherub faces makes you melt and give in to their little dictator demands. You would give your life for those monsters and it humbles and amazes me. It makes me want to know more of you.” He finishes sadly.

“I don’t know what to say,” I shrug helplessly. “I’d like to know more of you, too. You are the nicest, sweetest, kindest man I have ever met.”

“So what do we do now?” He asks quietly, taking a step toward me.

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