The Secret Exploits of a SAHM – Chapter Four – Red Robin Rampage

2 Jul


By D.M. Wright

As I watch the crayon fly through the air, I wish that I had the power to pause time and pluck it out of the picture. But as I can not manipulate time and space matter particles, I can only watch helplessly as it soars, seemingly in slow motion, towards the man in the next booth, hitting him in the face.

I want to die; crawl under the table and just die.

“I am so sorry, sir!” I exclaim.

He didn’t reply, but glared at me and then glared at my monster children.

Then I turned to glare at them, just in time to see them falling under the table in a scuffle. As they fell, they slammed into the booth, jarring another couple sitting on the other side. The woman was in the middle of taking a sip of her drink.

She is now wearing her drink.

My mouth drops open in a silent scream of horror. What. The. Fuck.

Then the baby grabs a chunk of my hair and pulls. Hard. I cry out in surprise and pain, which startles him. He hates it when anyone yells or screams so he starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

Did I say I wanted to die? Yes. Yes, I did. Please shoot me now in the forehead and get it over quickly. I need to disappear now.


“Wave good-bye to the nice people,” I mutter and glance back to see the angry patrons and wait staff of Red Robin standing in the doorway, making sure we do not come back inside.

As we drive home, I look in the rear view mirror at the troublemakers. “How does it feel to be kicked out and banned from a restaurant?”

I see only sullen faces.

“You know what? The funny thing is, I don’t think this is going to be the last time either,” I say, hysteria rising from within me. “What was going through your brains?! What part of this whole lunch experience did you find perfectly acceptable? You are GROUNDED! NO TV, NO outside, NO games, NO friends and you will be separated from each other in different rooms! I am horrified at your behavior! And livid with rage! BLINDED by rage!” I take a breath, “LIVID!” I shout.

That damn baby starts crying again. I sigh. I am beside myself. I was just trying to have a nice lunch with two girlfriends. They were the only ones who weren’t offended by the Red Robin Rampage. They just laughed and said, “Boys will be boys!”

But their behavior was completely unacceptable. I expect more from my boys.

“I have half a mind to call and tell your Dad about this,” I say. An empty threat, but it is very effective.

“NO! No, please, mom! Don’t call Daddy, please?!” They are begging me. I am not sure if they don’t want him to be angry on top of being distant or if they are afraid of his wrath.

Once their father jokingly told the middle one not to make him angry. That he wouldn’t want to witness his wrath.

“You can’t handle his wrath. And you don’t want to either,” I had shook my head. “No way.”

“Please? Please can you show me your wrath? What is it? I want to see it, please?!” He had whined. The memory makes me smile.

But now I wouldn’t dare call him. I would be the one who would see it, I’m sure.

“If you promise to behave the rest of the day, I won’t call him,” I bargained.

“We promise!”

“And no attitude when I ask you to do something. I expect angelic behavior or I will add another day on to your punishment.”

“Yes, Mommy,” They replied in unison.

They are silent on the way home. Even the baby falls asleep. I re-live our visit to the Red Robin. I shudder. Then I shake my head. Damn those boys. I really liked those burgers.


I climb up the steps in the pool, water sluicing off of me, in slow motion, moving in stereo. Oh yeah. All that is missing is the red bikini and this would be Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

I walk slowly to my lounge chair, all the daddies at the pool crane their necks to watch me pass. Wet slaps from their wives can be heard. I give a slow half-smile. I reach my chair and lie down, soaking up the sunshine.

“Mom? Can you go in the deep end with me?”

“Not now, darling. Mommy is having a lovely dream.” I wave him away.

“Mo-om! Puh-leeeeease??!”

He’s not going to leave me alone about it now. I sigh.

“OK. Fine.” I heave myself out of the chair with a grunt. I notice the ginormous sag in the chair where my ass was. I tisk. Why do I ALWAYS get that chair?

I turn and follow the boys to the deep end. The water feels wonderful as it is hot as ass out here.

“Mommy, look, I can do a handstand. One-handed!”

“Mommy, count how long I can hold my breath under water, ok?”

Then they both disappear. The pool “basketball” lands near me and splashes water right in my eye.

“How long was that, Mommy?”

I wipe my face. “Sorry, do it again. Somebody splashed me and now my eye is BURNING!” I grab my eye dramatically.

He giggles, “OK. Ready?” He takes a deep breath and goes under again. I count to 16. Wow. He just started swimming and going under water this summer. And he doesn’t need to hold his nose like his older brother. He pops up.

“How much?”

“16!” I high-five him. “That was fantastic.”

He grabs on to me and his brother jumps onto my back.

“Look at you guys! You’re getting so big! Can you believe you two were once in my belly? I carried you around inside me. That is so weird to think about.” I grin at them and hug them closer. “I have to do this now because when you’re an old teenager, you’re going to say, ‘OMG, Mom, that is so gross. Shut-up! Get away, you’re embarrassing me! Jeez, Mom. Yuck! Like, whatever’!” I said in my impersonation of a teenage boy.

“Well.” says the middle one, “You’re kind of embarrassing me now, so…” he pulls away and swims to the wall.

“You are such a booger!” I gasp and splash him.

“I still love you, Mom,” My oldest one hugs me tight, not embarrassed at all.

“Awe, I love you, too, baby,” I smile. “Now, I am going to go lie on my chair. It’s not every day that someone watches that baby. I’m going to enjoy it!”

I swim back to the shallow end and try to recreate my day-dream as I exit the pool. It crashes down around me as that damn basketball hits me in the head.

“OW,” I mumble. Sexy is yesterday’s news anyway. I am positive that the “wet, mousey hair; goose egg on the head; mother of three belly” look is the new sexy.


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