No News is Not Necessarily Always Good News

24 Jun

Today I had my final doctor’s visit for my pregnancy and absolutely NOTHING is going on. This baby is not coming out on his own. I love you, my little Hiccup, but I don’t want you inside me anymore. Your little kicks and punches are starting to bruise me internally. Thank goodness you will be forcibly removed next Wednesday!

We do have a little update on the time of delivery. 1PM, for Pete’s Sake! It was scheduled for 10:30AM! I was so relieved for the early time. When I had Little A, it was scheduled for 1PM as well and then we got there and they pushed it even further into the afternoon. Do you know how hungry I was?! You CANNOT DO that to a pregnant woman!! So now it is a repeat of last time. I am so mad! The worst part is, you don’t get to eat anything except liquids when it is all over with! Seriously, you ask? SERIOUSLY. No, before you can eat anything worthwhile after a C-Section or go home, in fact, you have to FART. Because you are gutted and loaded up with extra air from the environment and oh, yeah, an extra bowl of water to clean you out on top of that, it is not so easy to just cut the old cheese. Sometimes it takes DAYS!

BUT BEFORE THEN, you can’t eat anything after midnight the day before surgery. So that is over 12 hours of not eating! 12 HOURS! You BET YOUR SWEET @$$ I am going to eat something around midnight. I am not an idiot! And its going to be loaded with protein. I think Hubby will be making me eggs and freaking bacon for my midnight meal!

Normally I am not so crabby, but this really set me off today. I hope the rest of the afternoon will go better! Good news is that this is my last work day. I was going to work next Monday and Tuesday, but I am so anxious I can’t. Plus it will be nice to get final things in order and enjoy my last few days of non-baby life. It is SO going to change around here. But I am sure it will all be worth it! 🙂 See story below to back up my claims!

The Best Fart Ever

Please take the time to read this lady’s fart story – it’s a good one. 🙂

 

I was in the hospital on the 3rd day after my C-section. Doc had come to see my progress. “You don’t have to have a BM (bowl movement), but you do have to pass gas before you can go home”, he said. “OK”, I replied. He left. Shoot. I was bloated like a dead whale. I was trying to eat all the fiber and fruit I could stand. Nothing was working to make the gas move!

They said to walk, so I paced the halls, pushing the baby around, but nothing. I tried the suppository, again, nothing. I had to act and fast. Otherwise, we would not be going home, as promised, on day 4.

That night, as my daughter slept soundly, it was around 3 AM. I was a desperate woman, hormones all screwed up, severe pain on the incision due to the gas and fluid pressing on my lower abdomen. I thought to myself. There is only one way I am going to get a fart out. The halls were quiet. The room was dark. I waited until the nurse made her rounds, and decided there was very little chance of someone coming in unannounced. I raised the hospital bed as high as it would go. I leaned over it and pressed my aching belly into the mattress with as much force as I could stand. I lay there for some time. I prayed. I felt like it was working, but I needed a little something extra. I pulled down the disposable underwear and spread those cheeks. Seriously – I spread them really wide.

The combination of the pressure on the bowels, the open airway, the position of “butt in the air”, and patience was perfect. Ahhhh, sweet relief. I farted the most satisfying, long fart I have ever had the pleasure of releasing. Its chorus was music to my ears. Then I got to thinking about what someone would see if they walked in on me. Here I am, baby sleeping on the bed, bed raised all the way up, me bent over it, pants pulled down, cheeks spread wide. I laughed for about 30 minutes and it just about killed me!

When I told my husband the next day, I laughed again, and thought I had split open my incision it hurt so bad. This story has really come in handy in times of someone needing a good laugh.  – Author Unknown

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4 Responses to “No News is Not Necessarily Always Good News”

  1. bry June 24, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    i cant stop laughing my a$$ off at the fart story hahaha im never having a baby!

    • Salvidor Sanchez June 24, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

      I’d suggest some spicy sausage if you want to fart as soon as possible and you might as well throw some bacon in there for good measure.

  2. Katie June 28, 2011 at 7:59 am #

    During my induction with #2, everyone left the room at some point (including Scott) and I totally snuck snacks in the bathroom! I ate some goldfish and fruit leather, it helped a lot!

    Good luck!

  3. kweenmama June 28, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

    I’ve never had a c-section so never had to deal with the farting issue. Good luck Wednesday!

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